I’m open up to you

This is maybe the most brutally honest posting I've ever made about myself..

I never, not even once talking about this with anyone, not even my best bestfriend..

This is so thrilling for me and I feel odd, maybe because I am open up my self to stranger but not to the closest person in my life. Okey, I’m kinda dramatic here.. : )

Honestly, I’ve never been in a serious relationship in my 25 years old my life.

No, I am not a saint. I am just very rigid.

Whenever I am getting close with a man, I am freak out. I am start overthinking everything (an old habit). Is this right? Is he the one? And the question is endless.

And when I get over with my overthinking, usually I found my self getting further apart with that man. It’s either me or him who shy off from that relationship.

This happen so many times.

One of my best friend asked me, ‘what are you looking for?’

At that time, I can’t answer that simple question, because honestly I don’t know what I’m looking for in a man. I definitely not looking for a perfect Hot boyfriend, I do know my league. It takes me years to answer that simple question, I am looking for a man who stay. I need someone who stay with me even when I have my moments to thinking and shy off from him. I need a man who have enough patient to stay with me because I find it hard to fall in love. I need a man who stay with me and show me how to fall in love.

One of my best friend said, ‘Just try it, you’ll never know if you never try’

But my problem is when I don’t get the assurance I needed to be in relationship, I never want to try. I need the assurance that he loves me, not just just his need to have a girlfriend or a hormone raging. Yes, I’m asking for love. Is that too much?

When I look at my friend who can easily in and out relationship, I am so envying because it seem so fun. But I really can’t do a relationship with someone that I don’t love. I can’t let someone kiss me or touch me when I do not love him. To say it out loud, ‘YES, I am looking for the right one’.

I know this sound so outdated, but this is what I believe.

This is me and I’m open up to you.